Each of us from the moment of our birth is on a constant journey. We are on a journey back to God our Father, who created us. The road we follow on that journey is a long and steep one and filled with many pitfalls, if we are not careful. It is not an easy journey by any means. At times, the road is windy and curvy and at times, we come to some dead-ends. The road is also full of pot holes, which can cause us to stumble and fall. And at times, we encounter large boulders in our path, which we must either climb over or go around. And at times, we, ourselves, get tired and weary of the journey and refuse to go any further.

Each of the things I have mentioned can be obstacles we encounter on our journey of life up the mountain of the Lord, back to God our Father.

Jesus too, in his total humanity, also had to confront and overcome various obstacles in his life. In the same way, we also, must face up to and at least attempt to overcome the same obstacles in our lives.

This then is the purpose of my talk. To let you know some of the obstacles I have encountered in my climb up the mountain of the Lord, and how I have tried to deal with some of them, not the least of which has been me, myself.

Since time is somewhat limited, and I do not want to bore you completely to death, I will limit my journey to the last seven years or so, which is really the beginning of my climb up the mountain. Prior to that, it was really a continuous downhill slide up to this point in time; I had been divorced from the Church for some twelve years.

For most of my life, God to me was a pie-in-the-sky God. He was up there, and I was down here, and in my mind, as the saying goes, "never the twain shall meet." There just wasn’t any relationship between us, as far as I was concerned.

As far back as I can remember my life had been one of self-centeredness. I was completely caught-up in the materiality of the world, those things which could make me happy, and I emphasize the "me." My attitude was me first and every one else second. And Jesus said, "Not on bread alone is man to live, but on every utterance that comes from the mouth of God."

I can tell you from personal experience, an attitude of self-centeredness grows and spreads like a deadly cancer. It starts small and grows slowly at first, but then, as it gains momentum it starts to snowball, until it is al most impossible to stop. In my own case, as it began to snowball, it soon began to affect my relationship with my wife and our children. Because of it my wife started to get on my nerves over little things, which I blew way out of proportion. We soon began to have fights over money, sex, the kids, everything. I even began to see the kids as burdensome at times, because I perceived them as preventing me from doing the things I wanted to do. Needless to say, the situation became so bad, that my wife and I teetered on the brink of divorce. Not only because of my self-centered attitude, but also, because of my refusal to even talk or dialogue with her, except on a very shallow level. In effect, I was refusing to allow her to share my life, the inner me, the real me. Consequently, our love was starting to fade. A love that once had burned so strongly and seemed inextinguishable. In retrospect, how could I have expected her to continue to love someone whom she no longer knew, who was a complete stranger to her.

But then, just when the snowball seemed unstoppable, something inexplicable happened. Although by the world’s standards I suppose, I was somewhat of a success, I had a wife and family, owned my own home, had a pretty good job and security, and earned a decent wage, and therefore, should have been happy, I suddenly started feeling very uneasy and uncomfortable with my life. I started thinking to myself, is this all there is, there must be something more, but what? For some unknown reason at the time, which I now know was God’s loving Grace, I began to re-evaluate my life’s values, where I was, where I was headed, what the meaning of it all was. And most important of all, what came after this life? Death was a subject I had never really considered before or maybe subconsciously avoided I don’t really know. But now it was constantly on my mind.

It was at about this point, I found my thoughts turning to God, of my relationship with him in terms of my life up until that point. I soon began to think of myself as a total failure and sinner and somehow knew that my only salvation was through the Church of my youth.

I wanted to get back to the Church and God, but it was not to be done so easily. I had been away from God and the Church for so long. I was such a worthless miserable sinner, a piece of junk in my own eyes, how could I expect God to forgive me and take me back.

Thus, I was confronted with two obstacles in my journey, pride and self-pity. They halted my journey even though I wanted to go on. They were so strong, that even when our oldest child, made her First Communion during that period, I refused to go to confession and to receive communion, even though my wife pleaded with me to do so.

After coming to the realization that I desperately needed to get back to the Church and thus to God, but was being prevented from doing so by some un known power, I turned to prayer for probably the really first time in my life, real prayer that came from the bottom of my heart. It was simple prayer to say the least. Just a constant repetition of the only two prayers I knew, the Our Father and the Hail Mary, along with a constant pleading with God to forgive me and to help me find my way back to Him. Although my prayer was not what one would call eloquent, I was certainly persistent. For well over a year I prayed like that, often times crying to myself while I prayed, but never ever letting Jackie know. Even this I kept from her.

Never let it be said that God doesn’t hear us or answer our prayers. A couple of weeks after my daughter’s First Communion, I was unexpectedly invited to attend the celebration mass after the ordination to the priesthood of a very close friend of mine, when we had been in college together, who is now, incidentally, my spiritual advisor. I vividly remember sitting through the mass thinking over and over to myself, well at least someone I know is a success, a real success. At the reception afterwards, for some unknown reason, I went over to receive his blessing and the imposition of hands from him.

Although it might be termed coincidental by some, but to me personally, however, in reflection, I view what I just related to you as God’s Grace and guiding hand, for just a few short months later, my boss and his wife, who had just made a Marriage Encounter weekend, talked my wife and I into going. I don’t know how they did, because we later found out that neither one of us had wanted to go, but thought the other did. Does God work in strange and mysterious ways?

The first night of the weekend, as we were all sitting together, the team asked us for the only time on the weekend to say something publicly. They asked each of us to state what we believed our spouse’s most endearing quality was. After thinking for only a moment, the thought came to me easily. Do you know what it was? I said it was the fact that she was always so considerate of others. Now this was remarkable when you consider that my wife and I were on the brink of divorce because of just the opposite, my own self-centeredness.

As I reflect back on it, I sincerely believe it was a divinely inspired thought, which subconsciously at the time became the center of my meditation and reflection that whole weekend.

The Marriage Encounter weekend was a milestone in our lives, and most especially in mine. For perhaps the very first time in my whole life, I opened that door to the inner me. I admit that I didn’t fling it wide open, but at least I opened it a crack. I came out of my shell enough so we could dialogue on some crucial matters, at least on a gut level. I candidly admit that it wasn’t easy at first. I had to really force myself to do it. I had to totally trust in the fact that my wife loved me and would accept me for who I am. At times, it was a very painful experience. My wife and I shed many a tear that weekend, but out of the tears and pain a new and closer relationship blossomed, as we rekindled the fire of our love, which also took on a new and deeper dimension.

In our lives, as is manifested by the passion, death and resurrection of Christ, the things of any real value are all born out of suffering and pain. So it was for me on the Marriage E weekend. Though I suffered and died a little to myself, something new and wonderful came out of it. Not only did my wife and I establish a new beginning in our marriage, but as a result, I also was able to reconcile myself to God and the Church. Because of what transpired during the weekend, I was able to go to confession and receive the Eucharist for the first time in many, many years.

Since then, I have spent a great deal of time meditating and reflecting on the reason I had, and to a much lesser degree, still do, have a difficult time letting people see the inner and hidden me — the real me. I have come to the conclusion, that although it is a combination of factors, there is one key element common to all of them, namely, fear. I fear rejection; I fear being hurt; I fear not being loved; I fear failure; I fear being wrong and I fear confrontation. The list could probably be quite extensive but these are the main ones in my own life.

Each of these are obstacles in my life. I must face up to them and at least try to overcome them if I am to continue the climb up the mountain of the Lord. My first step is to recognize them for what they are and to admit to my self that they are impediments to my personal growth. Once I accomplish this, half the battle is won. On the contrary, however, if I try to ignore them or pretend to myself they aren’t real and not there then I no longer have many separate and conquerable obstacles before me, but rather, an impenetrable stone wall held firmly together by the cement of fear.

The one factor that has helped me tremendously in my personal battle with fear was the eventual realization that all of us suffer from it in one form or another in the course of our lives. Even Christ in his humanity knew fear. The gospels themselves reveal this to us. Jesus, in anticipation of his coming passion and death, prayed to the Father if it were possible, that the hour might pass from him. Though Jesus knew fear, the important fact is that he did not succumb to it. Instead, he faced up to it and overcame it by not letting it prevent him from accomplishing the will of his Father. The method Jesus used in overcoming this obstacle is not magical or difficult. It is available to each of us. He merely surrendered himself and prayed to his Father, yet not as I will, but what thy will be done.

Two of the most difficult obstacles I have had to deal with in my climb up the mountain of the Lord have been the fear of failure and the fear of confrontation.

I tend to be a perfectionist and get very angry and frustrated with my self when I fall short of my own expectations. I constantly set standards and goals for me, often, way in excess of what I can possibly hope to attain. Yet, even knowing this, when I do fall short, I still come down hard on myself, but perhaps, the most unfortunate thing of all is that I also see my own self-imposed goals to be what others also expect of me. Consequently, I am always under the shadow of the fear of failure. Of my own making I grant you, yet it does not alter the fact that it still exists and is very real in my own mind at least. The ultimate consequence, however, is that in many instances, it prevents me from even attempting to do certain things for fear of failing. In other words, in my mind, if I don’t try it, I can’t fail, and ergo, no worry.

I’m working on this obstacle, however. With God’s Grace and self-determination on my part, I am at least starting to make some headway. This talk is a good case in point. A year or so ago, there would have been no way I would be standing up here making a fool of myself. But now, praise be to God, I am able to laugh a little bit more at myself and can accept appearing foolish, if that is what God requires of me, because when I surrendered my self to Christ, it was a total submission. I took very seriously the promise I made on my Cursillo retreat when I was told that Christ was counting on me. My pledge of, "Father, I will do the very best I can," is just as real to me today as the day I first made it. Sometimes I have to remind myself of it, and I constantly have to re-surrender myself to Christ, but come what may, I will do everything in my power to honor that commitment.

The other major obstacle I mentioned earlier was my fear of confrontation. I have never liked confrontation, possibly because I never understood it or knew how to deal with it. I much preferred things to run smoothly and calmly, even if it ate me up inside. Confrontation was something to be avoided like the plague.

I know it may sound strange to you, especially in light of my job, but nonetheless, it’s true. For one thing, the confrontation encountered in my job tends to be impersonal, in that it does not affect me personally. Yet, even this impersonal confrontation, I have had difficulty in dealing with. Consequently, my job has always been somewhat of a source of tension for me.

Fortunately, however, by God’s loving grace, my involvement in the diaconate program has forced me to confront this issue, analyze it, and come to grips with it to a degree.

In reflection, I have come to the conclusion that my problem in this area stemmed either, from my refusal to admit to its reality, or even more probable, my belief that it is something essentially bad and thus, to be avoided at all costs.

The ultimate realization was, however, that the truth of the matter is it is a very solid reality and is not always necessarily bad. Sometimes, confrontation is the catalyst, which stirs up the deeper, much worse problems we have a tendency to bottle-up inside of us. It is these problems that cause the far greater sickness. If left unattended and unsaid for too long, they can become a cancer, eating us up from within. Thus, in actuality, confrontation can be a good thing at times. It can be a method, whereby we open the door to our real problem and air it out, so that a reconciliation and healing process can take place.

This fact really became apparent to me on a retreat in December. During the closing liturgy on Sunday, while we were all exchanging the sign of peace, the Director of the Diaconate said something to me which completely burst my bubble. I mean he blew me right out of the box. The whole weekend went right down the drain. The more I thought over what he said, the more depressed and angrier I got, because I had come to the decision that he was way off base. Yet, for the remainder of the time we were there, I said nothing; I would not confront him about it. Instead, I let it fester inside of me and grow worse with every passing minute. At lunch that day, the Director sat right beside me. By this time I was so angry uptight inside I hardly said two words to him. To make a long story short, that night, after talking it over with my wife, she finally convinced me to call the Director. And I mean it took a lot of convincing. Anyway, the next morning, I hesitantly, called the Director. As some of you may have already surmised, after talking it over with him, I found out that I had totally misunderstood what he had said to me. But the point I am trying to make is, that I suffered long and needlessly in finding this out. If at the moment the situation had occurred, or at least shortly thereafter, I had overcame my fear of confrontation, especially, with the Director of the program, and had confronted him with the matter, instead of letting it eat at me, I would have saved myself much pain and anguish. And, if my wife had not convinced me to confront the situation, I can only guess at the ultimate conclusion.

Therefore, what I have tried to point out is that confrontation can be both beneficial and desirable at times. This is brought out very apparently to me in Matthew 10: 34—39: "Do not suppose that my mission on earth is to spread peace. My mission is to spread, not peace, but division. I have come to set a man at odds with his whole household. He who will not take up his cross and come after me is not worthy of me. He who seeks only himself brings himself to ruin, whereas he who brings himself to naught for me discovers who he is."

In the final analysis, I guess my whole basic problem of fear has been my lack of trust and belief in the basic goodness of people. Not until recent years have I tried to look at the positive side of people, rather than, the negative. I say this candidly, but also with much sorrow and regret. In the past, I totally failed to either, recognize or to take into consideration, the fact that people are basically good. The book of Genesis tells us "And God created man in his own image and likeness, and when he looked at what he created, he found it very good."

This was what I was not being cognizant of, unfortunately. It is part of self-centeredness , I spoke of earlier. It is definitely a cancer, which left unchecked, grows and spreads and can ultimately consume entirely. The more it spreads unchecked, the more it blocks out God and the power of the Holy Spirit to work in us.

The power of the Holy Spirit to work in my own life has, on more then one occasion, been blocked by yet even another obstacle, my own stubbornness.

Unfortunately, even being cognizant of this obstacle on my climb up the mountain of the Lord has not prevented it from being a constant stumbling block to me. One reason, I suspect, is that where this obstacle is much easier to admit to, then some of the others, I have a tendency not to pay as much attention to it as I should. Consequently, time after time, without warning, there it is again in my path.

On my retreat, last December, I was really down on myself for quite awhile, because in my own eyes, I was not progressing in the manner or the speed with which I should (there is the old perfectionism again). I spent much time meditating on it with little success. That Saturday morning, I decided to take a long walk in the woods, along a little stream. (The theme of the weekend, coincidentally, was Come to the Waters.) Anyway, as I walked along, I became more and more down. Although I kept asking, God did not seem to want to give me an answer. Finally, in total confusion and frustration, I said, Lord, I don’t know what to do, but I’m yours to do with as you will. With that, I picked up a stone, a symbolic gesture I guess, and threw it in the stream. As soon as I did , as soon as I totally surrendered myself to God’s will, I started to feel a sense of peace settle over me. All at once the realization struck me; the Lord is satisfied with where your at, your right at the point your suppose to be; no further, no less. It had been my own stubbornness which prevented me from seeing it before, because I had been trying to impose my will on God. I was telling him what to do and how to do it.

This then is what the Lord is constantly calling me to do. I must continually fight to overcome my stubbornness to do things my way and surrender to Him, so that He will truly be the master of my life. I must make Him the central focus of my life, rather than, myself.

Finally, I would like to address just one more obstacle I have encountered in my climb up the mountain of the Lord, which perhaps in many respects, is the most difficult of all to overcome, if indeed I have. I refer to the obstacle of unworthiness in being part of the diaconate program, looking down not too long a road to the awesome prospect of becoming an ordained minister of God.

When I first discerned a call to a possible vocation in the Permanent Diaconate, I struggled with it intensely. I was really hung-up over my unworthiness. Initially, I kept telling myself there was no way God could want me, in light of my past life. I dreamed up every reason in the book why I was just suffering from delusions. But God is persistent, and I just couldn’t shake the thought from my mind.

Finally, after about a month, I decided to mention it to my wife, thinking that she would tell me I was crazy and it would be the end of it. Besides, I also knew, that she would object as soon as she found out the time demand it required, since she disliked anything that took away from our family life. To my amazement, she didn’t object one iota. To the contrary, she encouraged me to pursue it, if that was how I felt. Now I was right back where I started, still unconvinced and feeling unworthy.

Shortly after telling my wife and after I had told a good friend about it, hoping that he at least, would tell me I was nuts (which he didn’t), the friend and I went to mass together at lunchtime one day. The reading of the day was about St. Paul’s conversion. As we left mass, my friend said to me, well that should answer your doubts about unworthiness, referring to Paul’s call even after his earlier persecution of the Christians.

I suppose that it should have satisfied me, but it didn’t, entirely. It did, however, make up my mind to at least apply to the diaconate. I decided I would take the first step and rely on God to make the final determination, according to his will. But the nagging feeling of unworthiness still persisted.

It wasn’t until a few months later, that I was able to put much of my unworthiness feelings to rest by after reading some scripture.

One night as I was about to go to bed, I decided that I had been bothered by this unworthy feeling long enough. I simply said, God, please give me an answer one way or another, I can’t take it any more. With that I opened the bible at random. It opened up to Paul’s Letter to the Romans. This was nothing I had not read before, but for some unexplainable reason, the realization of its meaning had not struck home until that moment. With the new understanding of its message, I was able to at least control my feelings of unworthiness. I realized at last that I am not worthy, nor will I ever be, but neither is anyone else. The thing is that by God’s grace I have to do whatever he calls me to do, no matter what.

I do not want to infer that my feelings of unworthiness disappeared entirely from that point on; they didn’t. From time to time they still come back to haunt me to a degree, but now at least I have some ammunition to fight them with.

These then have been some of the obstacles I have encountered in my journey of life up the mountain of the Lord, and how I have tried to deal with them.

For those of you I may have bored to death, and to those of you who couldn’t make heads or tales of what I said, I humbly apologize and beg your forgiveness.